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G'day !
I was recently asked to do a TV interview on the subject of happiness. I felt a bit daunted at first because happiness is such a broad subject and difficult to condense into a 6 minute interview (if you'd like to watch it follow this link). So I began by asking myself the question "Am I happy?" I had to stop and think for a bit, "Ummm.... yes, I guess... 'most' the time... but there are times when I'm not, like when my kids are bickering as try to herd them into the car for school, when my computer crashes through to when I hear of a friend who's suffered a loss... of health or love or life."
My answer made me realize that for most of us mere mortals, happiness is something we are continually either moving toward or away from. That we don't feel happy all day every day doesn't mean we aren't, by and large, happy people (which gets me off the hook!). That said, it's also very easy to get so caught up in the busy-ness of life that we fail to ask ourselves "What's keeping me from feeling as happy as I'd like?" Sadly, some people become so accustomed to feeling unhappy that they've forgotten what genuine happiness actually feels like.
There's a lot of theories about how to find everlasting happiness and I sure don't claim to have all the answers. I do however have a few questions that you may find helpful in living a happier life yourself.
1:What do I really want for myself and my life?
Having a vision (dream or goal) to work toward that is meaningful is important to happiness. That's not to say that we can't be happy right now even if things aren't as we'd like them to be. Rather it's about living with purpose rather than resignation, with possibility and hope rather than, in the words of Thoreau, "quiet desperation". So ask yourself, what is it that you'd love to be, do or have? As Michelangelo once said, "The greater danger isn't that we aim to high and miss, but that we aim too low and hit". When we are moving toward something that inspires us it literally ignites our spirit and makes us feel more alive (the word inspire derives from the Latin spirit or life-within).
2: Where might I be searching for happiness in the wrong places?
When it comes to the "have" part in the question above, sometimes we fall for the illusion that if we have a bigger house, tighter abs, a rock on the finger or fancier car 'then' we will be happy. There's nothing wrong with having any of that stuff but it's never going to bring genuine happiness. Sure it may help you to feel happier in the short term, bring you pleasure or just feed your ego, but it won't, on its own, make you happy. You only have to look at the stats on anti-depressant usage in the U.S. to see that material wealth does not equal happiness.
Humanitarian Albert Schweitzer once said "The one thing I know is this: only those among you who have sought and found how to serve will be happy". In other words, if its just about fulfilling your needs then it will take you down down a path to empty disillusionment. Sure it's not always easy to find happiness in yourself, but it's impossible to find it elsewhere!
3: Where is fear limiting my happiness?
Often we don't realize just how much power we are handing over to our fears and self doubts. The reality is that all humans are afraid of rejection, failure, disappointing or offending others, of messing up and missing out on success. But the fact is that any life well lived, and goal worth accomplishing, has it's share of risk. From tying the knot in marriage to filing for divorce, from starting a business to leaving the workforce to start a family, from asking a boss for a pay rise to confronting a colleague or friend, all of these things require us making ourselves vulnerable in some way.
The problem isn't that we have fears, the problem arises when we let them determine what we will do, what we will say, who we will be. That's where courage comes in: courage is not the absence of fear but action in its presence. As Amelia Earhart once said 'Courage is the price life extracts for granting peace'. For me, peace and happiness are one and the same.
4: What do I need to do today?
Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without it. Ultimately nothing changes if nothing changes and no-one is going to make you happy but you! It doesn't matter how many years you have under your belt it is NEVER TOO LATE to begin making the changes and taking the chances that will lead you to a more rewarding life. The choices you have made in the past don't define who you are nor determine your future... unless you let them!
Here are three action suggestions:
i) Don't' just think it, ink it! Write down what it is you want. When you commit something to paper it doubles your chances of turning it into reality (okay I made up the "doubles" bit but I promise you, it really does make a HUUGGGEE difference when you write it down! Even more when you plaster it all over your house! ;)
ii) Break your goal/aspiration down into little bite size steps and put deadlines against the first few (and add more as you progress along).
iii) Speak Up: Share your goals with those around you and ask people to support you in accomplishing them (and give them permission to give you a really hard time when you slack off). Also if relationships are diminishing (or completely killing) your happiness, then start having conversations to address the issues causing the tension. If you have something you genuinely want to say, chances are there is someone who genuinely needs to hear it! (For some help with this listen to some of my interview recordings sometime)
5: What do I need to let go of today?
Buddhism teaches that all unhappiness comes from our resistance to "what is". Obviously it's pretty human to want things to be a certain way but, as we all know, often the univerise has other things in mind. We don't get the job of our dreams, someone we care about moves away or gets ill or dies, a relationship ends poorly, our investment strategy tanks... such is life! Letting go isn't about giving up the fight in life; it's about giving up the fight against life and trusting more deeply in yourself, and in life, that in the long run everything will work out. So make it a daily practice to step back from life, be silent, connect with what inspires you and ask yourself what you need to detach yourself from and let go.
Who know's, perhaps by letting go what you "think" you for happiness you will actually come to enjoy more of it.
Until next month...
Don't Worry, Be Happy! :)
PS: Please forward this newsletter on to friends, family and colleagues you think may enjoy it.
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