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July 2005 eNewsletter
 ‘Live Your Greatest Life’ eNewsletter is written by Margie Warrell, a Life Coach, speaker and writer who is passionate about empowering people to live lives they love. The eNewsletter is designed to inspire, challenge and support you in being your greatest in life – to doing what you love better, with more success, balance and much less stress.
Margie Warrell International encourages you to invest a few minutes in yourself in the midst of your busy day to read this newsletter. Regardless of where you are now in your life we hope you find something of value in it. Perhaps you might identify some beliefs of your own that are limiting you and in doing so be able to move forward toward being the person and living the life you would love.
May you have a wonderful day!
HOW WELL DO YOU LISTEN?
By Margie Warrell
It’s Valentines Season and everywhere I look I find myself confronted with images of love and romance. Too often though the quality of our relationships, both romantic and professional, are undermined by issues that cause us to feel resentful, annoyed, frustrated, unappreciated and sometimes downright angry. This impacts not only our happiness but also our ability to be as effective and successful as we’d like and our health (a Stanford University study found that people’s stress levels reduced by 50% by simply visualizing what it would be like to resolve an issue they felt angry about!).
Often the reason these issues aren’t resolved is because we feel resigned about the possibility of doing so – “they just don’t care”, “there’s no point, they’ll never change”, “I’m hopeless with confrontation”, “I know they‘ll think it’s all my problem/issue/fault anyway, etc. Other times it is because when we do try to raise an issue the conversation quickly becomes very heated and deteriorates into an argument or slinging match. In the end, the situation is often worse than it was before with each party further backed into their corner of the ring or with one party feeling completely rail-roaded and more resentful than ever.
What is often missing in our efforts to address the things that are upsetting us is a real understanding of the other persons’ perspective. Unless we are able to see things from their viewpoint, understanding the context from which they are listening, it will be near on impossible for us to influence them to in the direction we’d like or have them to understand our perspective. Net result – continuing (if not escalating) conflict, frustration, stress, anger and ‘all of the above’.
Most people mistakenly assume that the meaning of their communication is defined by what they are saying. The fact is that the meaning of communication is not defined by what is being said but by what is being heard . Big BIG difference. If we are clueless about how someone will hear (process - interpret - assign meaning to) what we say then there will be one whopping big gap between what we mean and what they think we mean.
The only way to bridge this ‘communication gap’ is by first practicing the highly valuable, yet greatly underrated and more poorly applied, skill of listening.
THE BENEFITS OF REALLY LISTENING:
There are several extremely valuable pay-offs from really listening to someone. Among them are that you:
i) gain a deeper understanding of how they came to arrive at their opinions – and came to develop the stories they have - without which you cannot effectively influence or persuade
ii) make them feel that you respect them and care about what they think and feel (that does not mean you have to respect their opinions, but that you respect their humanity). According to psychologist William James the deepest principal in human nature is the craving to be appreciated. Listening is a big step in that direction.
iii) move people to being more receptive to listening to you when you share your views (how to do this will be covered next month)
iv) minimize the defensiveness which occurs when people feel you are forcing your opinion on them
v) create the possibility of moving toward a shared understanding about something, dissolving the issue that was causing the conflict or resentment
vi) strengthen the relationship, building trust and respect
vii) don’t have to worry about being tongue tied which usually occurs when you are trying to pay attention to two conversations at once: the one you’re having with the other person and the one you’re having with yourself. Your self talk usually revolves around your performance. The paradox is that the more you listen to those worries, the less articulate you become and the less you focus on your self-talk the more articulate you are.
SIX KEYS TO BEING A BETTER LISTENER
By keeping the following things in mind as you practice listening, you will be able to be far more persuasive and influential when you share your opinion.
1. Remember You Don’t See The World As It Is But At You Are
We all observe and interpret things differently based on a myriad of factors from our personality, our parenting, our education, cultural background, life experiences etc. Whilst your opinion about something seems to be the obvious and logical one to have that doesn’t mean there aren’t equally valid ways to look at something. Though you may not agree with another persons’ viewpoint (you may even think it is utterly ridiculous) keep in mind that it is completely valid and real for them. As you listen, distinguish between the facts and the ‘story’ the speaker has about the facts.
2. Don’t Confuse Listening With Reloading
Too often we kid ourselves that we are listening when we are really just taking the opportunity whilst the other person speaks to ‘reload’ for our next onslaught. Real listening means being fully present for that person and focusing fully on what they are saying (not on what you want to say). Really trying to put yourself in the other persons shoes, and understand why they see and feel things as they do, will ultimately explain, why they behave as they do.
3. Take Responsibility For Making It Safe
Too often relationships fail because people don’t say what is really on their mind because they don’t feel it’s safe to do so. The idea of being completely forthright makes them feel vulnerable to either attack or to being humiliated. You need to take responsibility for making it safe for people to be honest with you and for building – or rebuilding – trust in your relationship.
4. Listen For What Is Not Being Said
Even though you may be doing your best to make them trust you, sometimes people are still uncomfortable sharing what they really think (this is foreign territory for many people). So listen for what they are trying to convey to you beyond the words they are actually speaking. What do they want you to know that they aren’t comfortable saying. If you have a hunch about something they aren’t saying, share it.
5. Your Being Speaks More Loudly Than Your Words
If you are trying to listen but you find yourself rolling your eyes heavenward at a remark, huffing under your breath or sitting there tensely, the person speaking will sense your judgement immediately and likely become either aggressive or completely clam up. Be careful about the affect your ‘way of being’ may be having on whom you are with.
6. True Listening Can Also Be Interactive
There are many ways you, as the listener, can interact during a conversation that contribute to the quality of the conversations outcome. Whenever you do speak though be very careful that you are no doing so at the expense of making the person feel they’re not being truly being listened to.
BUILD on the pool of facts. If they leave out an important piece of information mention it. There more factual information you share about something the better the outcome
AGREE whenever they say something you also agree with
REFLECT back to them what you think they are saying. E.g. “Let me check I understand what you mean/how you feel…”
NEVER CRITICIZE them or their opinions nor INTERJECT with your conflicting opinions or try to give advice (that comes later once they’ve had their say)
LISTENING ACTION CHALLENGE
At the end of the day the quality of your relationships has a profound impact on the quality of your life. So this Valentines Day, rather than just buying chocolates or roses, give someone you love the gift of being fully present for them and really listening to what they have to say about the things that matter to them. And with those whom you are struggling to feel loving about– those with whom you find yourself most frustrated, resentful or angry – then even more reason to practice the wonderful skill of listening.
Giving someone the gift of your presence is one of those presents that you get as much from, if not more, as the person you are giving it to. And what’s more, it won’t cost you a cent! This Valentines Season, may your relationships be immeasurably strengthened by the simple act of listening. Happy Valentines!
"Crucial Conversations: Tools for talking when stakes are high” By K Patterson, J Grenny et al
"Conversationally Speaking" by Alan Garner
"Fierce Conversations – Achieving Success at Work & In Life One Conversation at a time" by Susan Scott
“Dialogue – The Art of Thinking Together” by Walter Isaacs
Margie is available to do key-note and workshops in your organization or association. Please contact her for a summary of her key speaking topics. For speaking testimonials please visit www.margiewarrell.com.
For more information about Margie Warrell, please click here, or visit the Web site at http://www.margiewarrell.com.
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