October 2005 eNewsletter

Live Your Greatest Life’ eNewsletter is written by Margie Warrell, a Life Coach, speaker and writer who is passionate about empowering people to live lives they love. It is written to inspire, challenge and support you in being your greatest in life; to doing what you love better, with more success, balance and much less stress .



 Hey there,

Our language has a powerful impact on how we view our lives, how we see the world and the actions we take in it. This month I'd like you to think about one powerful word that has the potential to undermine your ability to live the life you truly want.

It's the word should. 

So as you read this take a minute to think about how this word shows up in your language and whether any of your 'shoulds' are undermining your choices and taking you off course from what you want most for yourself and for your life!

Happy Halloween and to those readers 'Downunder' from Melbourne, have a wonderful Melbourne Cup holiday!




ARE YOUR SHOULDS RUNNING YOUR LIFE?
By Margie Warrell

Now don't get me wrong - there is nothing inherently wrong with the word should. However shoulds do have a way of keeping you from doing the things which will enrich your life the most and can undermine your ability to live your life on your terms.  The very word should is one that can make you feel like you are forever striving to live up to some arbitrary standard and can create a perpetual feeling of strain. The fact is you will never be able to do enough of what you think you ‘should’ be doing and whilst 'shoulds' are running your life, you won't be able to enjoy true freedom of choice.

But don’t just take it from me. Dr Fritz Pearl, a famous psychologist and the founder of Gestalt therapy, first coined the term living a “shouldie” life to describe people whose key decision making criteria was based on what they felt they should do (reflecting the opinions of those in their environment) rather than what they really wanted to do.  Also Dr Karen Horney, a renowned psychiatrist and pioneering theorist said “Shoulds are generally unrealistic and impossible to achieve. They lead people to despising themselves and contribute to disturbances in human relations in one way or another”. 

The key is to pay attention to your ‘private conversations’ (i.e. those you have with yourself!) and when you hear a ‘should’ rear its people pleasing head, dong it back into its box (metaphorically speaking that is)!  Or, alternately if that sounds too violent for you then say what you are thinking out loud but instead of saying should – which disempowers you - replace it with the word could. 

Exchanging should for could will likely shift your entire feeling around the issue is question because the word ‘could’ implies that you are in a position of choice and does not carry the same judgement of ‘good’ or ‘bad’ as a should. 

Same applies to those choices you have made in the past which haven’t produced the results you sought (more often referred to as mistakes).  You likely beat yourself up with recriminations that go like this:

“I should have known better / I should have spent more time helping Johnny with his homework / I should have gotten better advice / I should have sold out before the market crashed / I should have quit sooner….”

Once again, exchange your should for a could.   Yes you “could have known better / you could have spent more time helping Johnny with his homework / you could have gotten better advice / you could have sold sooner / you could have quit sooner “ but you didn’t because at the time, for whatever reasons you had, you decided not to.  Next time you can choose to do differently.  Now doesn’t that leave you feeling less beat up and more empowered?

Exercise - Escaping the Shouldie Trap

Write down all the ‘shoulds’ that you having going on right now that are producing some sort of strain for you.  Here are a few ‘shoulds’ I’ve heard from people in just the last few week:

Ø       “I really should go over to Sally’s house this weekend and see her new decorating”

Ø       “I really should join the school committee”

Ø       “We really should go away for Thanksgiving”

Ø       “I guess I should take Zach (aged 3) to swim lessons”

Ø       “I really should go back to work after the baby’s born”

Ø       “I really should stay with this company because they look after me well and its got good promotional prospects”

Ø       “I really should invite over the neighbors over for dinner on the weekend”

To all of your ‘shoulds’ I would ask you this “Who says so?”.  Now perhaps many of these things are “good” things to do but what great all knowing authority says you should do any of them?   Now I would also ask you to rewrite each of your should statements again but replace the word should with could and if there is an alternative option for what you would like to do then write that too. For instance:

Ø       I could go over to Sally’s house this weekend and see her decorating or I could stay at home and spend some time on exploring the options for going back to study 

Ø      I could join my family business like everyone has been expecting me to for years or I could decide to go off and pursue a career in environmental  law like I’d really like to  

Ø       I could go back to work after the baby’s born or I could take an extra 6 months off and look into going part time after that or I could quit altogether

Ø       I guess I could  take Zach (aged 3) to swim lessons  or I could wait another year til he’s four

Ø      I could have the neighbors over for dinner this weekend or I could just enjoy a quiet evening in with my family, watch a movie and order take-away

You may well still decide to do what you think you should/could do, but at least you will be making the decision for the right reason – because it reflects what you are most committed to in your life and what you genuinely 100% want to – and not the wrong reason … just because you (or others) think you 'should'.  

 It will serve you well to become vigilant of your 'shoulds' which have a sneaky way of creeping back into your language when you are least suspecting and dragging you off course from doing and accomplishing the things that mean the most to you.  Begin to develop a habit of reflecting on whether what you are committing to reflects what you are most committed to… not what you think you should be committed to.   

So next time you face a choice that raises the question “Should I do this?” ask yourself “What do I want to do most of all?”  If you are committed to creating for yourself a great life you truly love living you will need to let go anylimiting ‘shoulds’ running your life and say no to the good to make room for the great.

I want to leave you with a favorite little saying I picked up on my travels. I hope you will take it with you on yours.

“Don’t should’ on yourself and don’t let others should on you!”.  

 

 
Margie has a whole list of fabulous books on the resouces section of her website. Among them include a wonderufl book called

"Living the Simple Life: A Guide to Scaling Down and Enjoying More"
by Elaine St. James
Full of really practical ideas and fresh perspectives on how we can remove clutter from our busy lives and find more time to play and relax. I've taken on some of her suggestions and they really have helped lessen the complications of my busy life




American Business Women's Association - National Leadership Conference

Over 3,000 women will be descending at the Gaylord Convention Center in Grapevine Texas next month for this event. Margie is presenting two sessions on November 12th. www.abwa.org 

• Talk is Cheap, Until.... How to Speak Up About the Things That Get You Down!
• Success is a Balancing Act : How to enjoy greater success in  your career, relationships and life through balance.

Margie is available to do key-note and workshops in your organization or association. Please contact her for a summary of her key speaking topics. For speaking testimonials please visit www.margiewarrell.com.



For more information about Margie Warrell, please click here, or visit the Web site at http://www.margiewarrell.com.